Saturday, July 2, 2016

Quit asking what is WRONG WITH ME

My husband once said " you can't be crazy if you know you are crazy, crazy people don't know they are."
After 20 years of my "crazy" he still asks during my low times " What's wrong with you?"
That is the LEAST helpful advice EVER especially from someone whom your supposed to trust unconditionally.
My family has said it, friends, and kids.  It doesn't make it go away
Or make me suddenly snap out of it.
Yes, I think my thread has been stretched to the max and I have been physically
And mentally trying to hold whatever "IT" is together for several months now.
I know what the breaking point was.  It was HORRIBLE and I have tried to fight "the dark" thoughts and feelings.
 I really have.
  Any smiles, positive words, or just seeing me not in  bed, those times,
EVERY SINGLE ONE  I was trying so hard.
I've been depressed before, and I'm sure my depression  goes as far back as early teens.
 I stayed afloat, I went on.
 I educated myself as those around me acted like it doesn't exist.  Lord knows I am glad they don't know it sometimes.
When you ask someone " you have never felt dark, alone, and no hope???" And they honestly have no clue what your speaking of you realize something is wrong.
Is there a fix?  Crazy medicine perhaps?
  I don't know but I have certainly not found the perfect combo and I hate strangers and doctors and therapists.
Things that used to push me no longer do.
 Things that used to keep my mind occupied no longer help or are failing.
  My roller coaster starts DAILY after and hour or 2 of sleep only gotten with  sleeping pills.  I am no good at hiding it.  My kids know something is wrong with me, my doctors know, my husband knows, but know one does anything to really help.
No solutions, just stop acting crazy.
My faith is crumbling as most times that I used to cry out and pray I now think "would God really be this cruel?"
  When I'm on a ledge and my husband hurts me and lies to me over and over and over and over where was this God who is compassionate and loving.  I feel like a joke for believing when no good comes out of it for me.
Then there are the comments, "you always make it about you you you!!" As if I enjoy my inward pain.
When I hear of people committing suicide I hurt for them as I know they had to have been so low, lower than even my lowest.  Many self medicate with drugs and alcohol,
 I do not, so I guess there is a sliver of hope.  But I have seriously considered as I want so badly to just not feel anymore.  I know I would be addicted to anything that made me numb so I don't, I just hurt and try every second.  There have been highs in between the lows, but I always know the lows are there.  Just around the corner waiting.
It's Exhausting really for those of you who think I'm lazy or rude.
 It's constant battling my mind to go, get up, shower, smile, talk, pay bills, eat, get dressed, and what little energy I have I choose to use it for my kids.  They are my reason every second of every day but it doesn't make it easy and sometimes my thoughts are " I'm a horrible example and  they would be better off without me".
Yes, depression really makes you think that.
So when you see me looking ragged and a hot mess don't ask "what's wrong?".   I don't really usually ever know, yes something triggered this and it's something different every time so I won't be able to give you an answer you will understand.
Today it may be that I can't find any socks or I lost my wallet, or my husband cheated.  Other people seem to be able to deal with these things without a full on downward spiral,
I'm telling you I CANT, I want to be "normal" and have always wanted that but I can't.
I'm still here so I'm gloating I suppose, I try everyday and I guess for now have been successfully staying afloat.  Gold medal for me haha.
But I do know it's harder then it's ever been lately and I want off this roller coaster I didn't ask to be on.
Depressed Me.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

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