Sunday, March 19, 2017

If You Hate Your Wife

All the books about how to get past affairs and cheating were RIGHT!
It may seem like a Honeymoon phase right after.
You will be so happy to feel loved again you will Get sucked in like I did.   It won't go away that easily.  I'm sorry to have to be the one to report it.  His shame will get in the way of true healing as he won't want to speak of it and will take your love in return as a mixed signal.   He will be like " YIPPE, she forgives me and I don't have to feel like crap for destroying my wife and kids!!"  But it doesn't go away that fast and is always around the corner especially if he slips up by messaging or watching that smut again.  One broken promise leads to another right?
It's beyond the hardest thing I have ever been through.  So here is the only advice I can give at this stage:
If his lovey dovey stage was real and stayed I am sure we could have made it out.  It was short lived though.  Too much work I guess or not enough love.
If you hate your wife please do these things.  It will break her heart.   It will steal her joy.   It will put her in a deep depression.   Her life will turn upside down and even her children won't be able to snap her out of it.   Yes, if you truly hate your wife do these things:
If you hate your wife by all means go on the dating site
If you hate your wife make her think she's crazy by lying to her when she starts to suspect.
If you hate your wife definitely put a code on your phone and never let her have it.
If you hate your wife meet up with strange ugly chicks and do nasty things with them.
If you hate your wife leave early for work to see those ugly chicks.
If you hate your wife come home late and complain your too tired to be a part of the family.
If you hate your wife be sure to let her find out while you couldn't have a conversation with her you could have a conversation with the other chick.  Be sure she hears about those hours of conversation from the other chick too.  That will really drive the stake in.
If you hate her most def. suggest you thought her and the other home wrecker could have been friends and be dumb enough to actually believe it.
If you hate your wife be sure to only speak to her when she messes up.
If you hate your wife tell her she looks flabby.
If you hate your wife tell her she should wear more makeup
If you hate your wife tell her "are you going to wear that?"
If you hate your wife always tell her you don't want to talk about it when she is trying to have a passionate discussion.
If you hate your wife come home late constantly and feed her  lies and yell at her when she questions them.  Do this even when she cries, threatens to kill herself, or begs for the truth.  Make her feel completely paranoid and crazy.  This is a tip if you hate your children too as it will make her in such despair she can't possibly be a good mother.
If you hate your wife never take her side when she's upset.  Always take your families side or random strangers.
If you hate your wife only be romantic when you want to get lucky and then four minutes later snore.
If you hate your wife tell her "you should be over this by now" or " why are you bringing that up again".
If you hate your wife continue messaging women and staring at porn after your caught and promise never to do it again.
If you hate your wife never hold her hand or put your arm around her in public.
If you hate your wife always critique her cooking.
If you hate your wife only show love when your guilty.
If you hate your wife buy her things to apologize and yell at her when she says that's not necessary.
If you hate your wife never fully confess your affairs and make her dug everything up one by painstakingly one.
If you hate your wife tell her how sorry you are when caught but keep doing what your doing because you don't want to hurt another woman's feelings.
If you hate your wife always disagree with her especially in public.
If you hate your wife take another woman to pick out pavers for your new house.
If you hate your wife change drastically from shy nice to douchebag mean.
If you hate your wife always cover your ears when she chews but not anyone else does.
If you hate your wife never laugh at her jokes.
If you hate your wife roll your eyes at her when you think she's too loud but cheat with an even louder chick
If you hate your wife make her feel like crap if she spews a curse word because we all know how perfect you are
If you hate your wife cheat with a redneck, smoking, cursing, fat chick so your wife can see you have no standards even when destroying your family.
If you hate  your wife definitely tell her when she's upset or sad that she's just feeling sorry for herself.
If you hate your wife days, months, year into this nightmare always ask her "What's wrong now?"  When she seems down as if it should be gone from her memory by now because that's what you would prefer.
If you hate your wife ignore the signs of depression because you know you put her there but would rather tell her she's always been crazy.
If you hate your wife be sure that even though she has scars all over from hives and the stress that still is with her you act like it's no big deal.
If you hate your wife make her feel bad for needing time to process her feelings after years of being lied to even when she asked all the right questions.
If you hate your wife never confess and openly say sorry and help her understand why you would behave and do such repulsive things with repulsive people.
If you hate your wife actually blame her distress on her looking and finding what you did.
If you hate your wife always ask her "What did you do all day?"
If you hate your wife never kiss her just because.
If you hate your wife don't dare be Godly in front of her or pray with her.
If you hate your wife def. Don't text her sweet things just because.
If you hate your wife never say she's a good mom.
If you hate your wife cheat on her for years, get caught, do it again, get caught, and more then when she asks for a break DONT GIVE IT TO HER, yell at her and tell her she should get over it and forgive you.
If you hate your wife yell at her if she ever wants to talk about what you did because that would make YOU too uncomfortable and might help her heal.
If you hate your wife get mad at her for her parenting decisions even though you are never there to make them.
Last but not least... if you hate your wife Always show empathy to other women, moms, home wreckers, etc and not your own wife.
If you hate your wife never hug her when she's upset even if you don't think it's a big deal.

But if you love your wife why don't you give her peace and quit throwing it back in her face because the thought of you doing all those nasty things and watching all those nasty things and even saying her name in bed has crushed her in every way!   But you obviously don't love her truly or you would show your sorry and be apologetic consistently till she's had a chance to heal and can fully believe your truly sorry!
Or is your guilty mind worth more than your marriage?
Dude. Your destroying the mothers of your children by treating them this way so unless you HATE her STOP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR ACTIONS WILL CAUSE.  Your children will see their mothers pain and the tension in the home.  Your apologies could show them better values and that you mean it but keeping your mouth shut only makes you selfish!
Hurt wife.
Crushed wife
Damaged goods

Monday, March 13, 2017

The School is Clouding my SUNSHINE

Well it happened.    I can't believe it but it did.   Guess what???   Lone Oak Intermediate wrote up my SunshineSyd Powers😱🤢🐮💩.  ARE YOU KIDDING?
Was she disrespectful? NO
Was she disobedient?  NO
Did she hurt anyone?  NO
Did she not complete her work? NO
Did she say something hurtful to another student?  NO
But they wrote up my 9 year old Syd in 4th Grade.
I really never intended to homeschool Syd nor does she want to but I'm pretty fired up about this and the Intermediate environment as a whole here.  It's Not Ele. School like at all.  Everything in their environment is faster paced and more mature than it would have been if they had stayed K-5.   She has improved with organization a bit but this is too much.
I will say Syd has never disliked any teacher to this point.  But this one she has not had a good view of from the beginning.  She said she was mean even at the beginning of the year. I know kids say things but I just figured she was a stricter teacher and she would adjust.   Besides,  Science is her FAVORITE SUBJECT.
Have I been incontact with the teacher about this issue?  YES.
I'm not gonna fight these schools for any more years or waste my kids precious time away from me only for my 9 year old girl in 4th grade to get wrote up for FALLING ASLEEP IN CLASS!!!!!!!  
If she was still in K-5 she would get to bus stop by 8 am.  That means getting up by 7:30 or 7:45.  Syd now has to get up by 5:30 to catch the bus between 6-6:12 ( the bus driver is very inconsistent) and school starts at 7:15 I believe.
Syd just has never typically been a morning person.
I told the teacher she is so tired when she gets home but I try not to let her sleep long so she will be tire by bedtime.
Our bedtime is not a ridiculous 6 pm or even 7 or 8.
Know why?
A:  I want to see my kid in the evenings
Not her fault
B:  We have things to do in the evenings. But I don't feel over done.  We might go to church and get home at 7:30 then still have little time at home.
C:  I have been driving my son to and from his job which at times meant picking him up at 10 pm.
Once again not get fault. She can't stay home alone she has to go with me.
I'm just not going to throw my kids in bed at 7 pm so they can get a full ten hours they need.
Syd has not fallen asleep in a while or at least this teacher has not contacted me to say she has been again so I assumed she was doing better.
This teacher does use videos a lot and turn the lights out in classroom.  Syd told me that's typically when it happens.  This is the last class block each day so naturally she is just all spent by then. Syd makes the grades so it's not affecting her learning but I understand the teacher needs help.  BUT DONT WRITE MY KID UP FOR HER FIRST TIME EVER JUST TO GET A MESSAGE TO THE PARENT.
Would you like me to send her a rockstar drink for lunch or what???  She is exhausted when she gets off bus at 3 and we have often found her asleep on bus having to be woke up to get off.
Ever been in class or church and got the sleepies???   I have and I know as an adult how hard it is to shake that off.  How hard do you think that would be for a 9 year old?  This is a kid who says turn on the lullabies mommy and is asleep almost immediately because it soothes her that quickly.
I'm sure some say your over reacting and in an hour I might too but right now I say this is the worst way to give a kid their first write up guys.   Was she talking in class and disturbing others?  No.  Now her snoring might be a problem but would hope a 4th grade teacher would wake her before she got that far and if not the teacher should be actively teaching and watching.  You get way more from honey guys.  Her behavior was not defiant.  She was not falling asleep on purpose. Syd hates getting in trouble. I can't even ask her to wash her hands in a stern voice without her balling up.
I'm just blown away that I was not contacted again.
You wrote a child up-  not a high schooler. Not a kid who just is getting in trouble at every turn.
I'm sorry but I OBJECT.  I'm supposed to be getting my background check and physical this week to go back to substitute teaching but I'm just not thinking I can be a part of these schools anymore.
I love kids.
I have taught some stubborn ones and never lost control of a classroom.  It's my favorite job.  But I have so lost faith in the system I'm not sure what I would be stepping back into.
The fact that this 4th grade teacher has never given Syd a good impression From the first day concerns me greatly. Where are the jolly, loving, funliving, energetic, teachers anymore and why can these people not see her Sunshine.  Also it's her favorite class. Syd COMEs home everyday and she is that kids whom you ask "So what did you learn at school today?"   She ALWAYS responds with what she learned and can quote many facts from science usually.  So she is an eager learner and should be a good student but some days it's a lot for her.
Just wake her up for goodness sake.
I'm not sure what the cure for sleepiness is but now that there has been a write up that means there could be a second or third and then guess what happens???   Yes the dreaded ISD?!?   You think my Syd will be able to stay awake in there?   You think I'm not gonna blow a fuse if my best behaved child gets ISD and how do you think you will be crushing a good well behaved kids spirit and attitude towards school.  She is the one kid who doesn't want to homeschool. YET!
She learns well and she behaves.  I've had no reason to think I should have to.  And for goodness SAKES if Izzy saint of a teacher can put up with her on a daily basis without writing her up or using a harsh tone or even contacting me this one should be able to handle a sleepy 9 year old. Don't write my kid up just to get a point to me!!!

#onehotmommy right now!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Giving up the World

Hello Friends, This is going to be a deep (well at least for me) personal post.
I have a friend who writes the best posts and I call them Poetic laughingly.
As I stated in my previous blog- Depressed Mom Confessions  I have struggled with my faith at times due to circumstances and been jealous of my good friends relationship and understanding with God.
I feel the push and support and KNOW I am not doing this without GOD even though I still have much to learn.
We found a church Twelve Oaks Baptist Church after years of not feeling any of the others we were attending occasionally.
It was sort of the 3 Bears syndrome for us:
This Church is Too Big
This Church is Too Small (and I cant hide in the pew and get away without awkward handshakes lol)
This Church is too Fancy
This Church is Too full of Cliques or people who seem so bonded that I feel like an outsider
This Church makes me feel like I don't belong because I'm not a Bible Scholar
This Church makes my teenager feel uncomfortable or not accepted
and the list goes on.
Something woke me last fall when I attended the Fall Festival at Twelve Oaks.
I had attended other events they had and never left with any negative thoughts or feelings which is odd for me as anyone who knows me knows- Me = Negative Nancy.
I decided that's the church.  I had been attending here and there over 2 years with a friends family and the kids seem to like it.  Even my teenager was not opposed to going as he was everywhere else.
I did try to go after that several Sundays as I wanted to find a spiritual home before my Missionary friends left us for Guatemala.   I just could not get past my anxiety and Sunday mornings were notorious for family fights.  "I can't find anything to wear", "I'm too tired", "I'm too busy", etc.
I still have yet to set an alarm for Church but wake up in time EVERY SUNDAY.
One week I turned it off and my TEENAGE SON WOKE ME UP- all decked out to go to church.
Can I deny that God is with me in this?   N- O-!
Maybe it was my friends prayers as I know they prayed I would find comfort somewhere when they left.
Maybe it was just time for me to "Get It" and hear God.
This is my first Sunday in about 10 Sundays that I did not go to Church.  But I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night and I decided I needed to be prepared for the Bible Study tonight and finish my lessons.  So I guess I #homeschool churched lol.
Things I like about this church:
I am spoken too sincerely by both pastors EVERYTIME I am in the building.
This church seems to really focus on Learning and Living it.  But BOY I was impressed by the Youth pastors sermon on Lust.  His honesty in his convictions with this blew me away.  He admitted in front of the WHOLE church on Sunday morning his problem walking past the Victoria Secrets GINORMOUS window pictures of girls in lingere.  Thats Big!  I know ministers are not perfect but most when caught up in the world and affairs, etc... do not stand in front of their church and preach from their own sin and repent right there.  It was life changing.
I just wish my teenage son and husband (yall know what thats about if you have read my blog) had been able to attend that day.  Work and Work dang it!
Its A pretty good mix of casual and average Sunday attire. (I don't have to stress too much about my jeans and tshirt.)
I feel good and excited to go back EVERYTIME I go.
I'm staying awake during sermons.  Don't laugh.  I'm an insomniac but it seems when I sit still and listen to a sermon I can not control my sleepiness.
My son is trying to fit in finally when other times he just did not want to try.  He is still struggling as he gets his anxious behaviors from me I am sure.
KIDS LEARN from their Main Environment-  Its Proven.
You rock out in the car with them from infancy or have other habits- Guess what your kids will do it too.  I know of a lady who is very atheist and listens to some hardcore music (not judging) yet she will post or say "my little girl loves rocking out to this or that, isn't that amazing for a kid that age?"  But really its not.  They do what they see day after day.  Same goes for kids who listen to classical and other types of music that seems not typical for their age.  Its not a contest.  Just think about it this way.  If they can be influenced to love Metal music, rap, classical, etc... by just listening to it on a regular basis with their parents, IMAGINE if we were more selective in what we listened to in front of our kids and even without them what impact that would have on their lives as Christians or soon to be Christians. You don't have to let your kids watch anything they want or listen to anything they want.  You can set limits for your family as a whole and IMPACT your spiritual awareness by not getting sucked in by the WORLD.  The world that is ever changing and limits are being pushed more and more everyday.  Wow! Just typing it makes me excited to change my life in that way.  Did you know Music can be fun, uplifting, hype, and GOOD CLEAN MUSIC with a message?  It can.  You can Sing along to "I want to Sex You UP" or a Rap about the father.  There is so much out there that can be beneficial and not confuse our kids and keep them looking in the direction of the heavenly father.  If they are not at a young age, I'm sorry but that's on us as parents.

Sorry for that interruption.... back to my son..... Standing out is not his thing so it takes the right group of people who will actively pull him in to help him and he is finding it there.
My girls LOVE going to church and they are learning.

Did we attend other great churches?  YES, for other people.
It just wasn't for us or it was the wrong mindset at the wrong time.

I have been battling with the World lately ALOT.
I have tons of questions but I am still holding my faith when in the past I would say "maybe I don't believe".
The church is doing a Bible Study on Sunday nights called Experiencing God.
I bought the book and showed up last week.  I studied my lessons this week (still have #5 to do before tonight).  Every time I open it up I feel like someone else is in my mind.
Its like "WOW I AM GETTING IT" and I can see how this refers to my life and others around me.  I actually got into a Spiritual Facebook battle or 2 or 3, about an issue I won't name as I am actually mentally exhausted from it and don't want to lose faith because I can't find or understand the answers the Bible offers.
Baby Christians - I highly encourage you to STEP BACK when you see these controversial social media posts till you are more comfortable with listening to God and understanding his word.
It will only stall your Spiritual Journey.
OH MY GOSH, did I write those words lol?
So while driving my nephew home after doing 3 of my lessons this morning this blog popped into my heard and I had to write it down.
Sin is EVERYWHERE but people are debating what is or what is not sin.
Its an endless battle it seems and while your in the world and not surrendering your worldly ways you wont be able to debate and will be possibly taking steps back in your journey.
My prayer today is: Lord Please help me through this journey.  Help me hear you and take my convictions and guilt and move on it.  Move towards you and not back into the world.  I read "To be God's servant you must be moldable and remain in the hand of the master".
I pray my kids are not 40 before they STOP and Listen and Adjust their lives so they can see your works done through them.  I want them to have this peace before they are too taken in by the confusion of this world and become desensitized to whats right and wrong because I allow them and the world makes us accept things that we know is wrong even if we can't fully explain to the non believers."
 I pray they are MATURE in their spiritual beliefs before they come forward in Saving Grace and Baptism as it will only add to their bumps along the way to do it before they are truly mature enough to understand your words and will.  Many kids I see coming forward and even being baptized when they aren't ready and then they bounce back and forth between the world and the church and its hard to turn away from the world when its EVERYWHERE- in our music, in our schools, in our movies, in our homes, etc...  I want to make better choices in the future not only so I can be more worthy to be used by God but so my kids aren't middle aged before they truly stop and make those hard adjustments so they can then be molded by the Potter.

I feel many of us are CHOOSING to not admit sin and I'm talking about even the tiny things that may not jump out at you in the Bible.  Things you KNOW ARE WRONG.  This includes Lying, cheating, not being good stewards of our money, not taking care of our bodies, being impatient, and even the big ones like hurting others intentionally, jealousy, immorality, etc... I couldn't be molded till I was moldable if that makes sense.
"He has to get you from where you are to where HE is".
(from the Experiencing God workbook Lesson 3.
Those two really say alot if your looking for peace and listening.
"God's invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a CRISIS of BELIEF that requires faith and action".  Most of us are too lazy or busy or just not willing to give up the things that keep us from seeing and hearing GOD.
WOW, did that one get to you?
What adjustments have you made.
For me I am trying to hold my tongue, keep the things I watch and listen too (especially with my children) free of things that distract me from him, be less anxious as my anxiety really determines my moods and ability to focus and feel safe and trusting.  This includes Sexual music lyrics, violent shows, movies and TV that will tempt me or make me have bad thoughts.  It could even mean me not going to Zumba because the sexual nature of the music and moves.  I'm still convicted on that one a bit.
(From first week lesson 4)
God speaks through Circumstances.
I truly believe this more now.
Death- its hard to see loved ones die and not cry our "WHY GOD" or to have health issues or immoral thoughts and urges that you feel guilt for having but are not strong enough to turn away from.  My kids and I have have seen a LOT of death in the past 5 years.  Its been hard for someone like me who is mistrusting so being emotional and admitting weakness is very hard.
I am trying to think about it more as "Its how you respond to these circumstances" than why they occur or a dealt to you.
Your mistakes will give you powerful testimony for others to hear along their struggling journey.
How do I deal with them?   Do I doubt God, blame others, say NO, I am not changing?
Or do I just be still,breathe, look to him for direction, find comfort in others who are knowledgeable with Gods word, pray, etc???
One path will only lead you to something better.  The other will just keep circling around like Groundhog day.  Until you really say I am willing to stop, not act on, and participate in sin and sinful situations you wont find the peace you need in this world.
Is it worth it to be an example for the children you brought into this world to be an example of what God can do?  Do you want your kids to make mistake after mistake until their 40 or older and then they are so damaged they may never find salvation.  Not that one day salvation where your fed in church but on the weekend your getting down in the club, getting turnt, and acting out in ways you know you wouldn't do if you really wanted God with you for eternity.   I've been there and I see it so many great young people.  They most likely are Christians who just have not made that hard choice to Make MAJOR adjustments to really be led by him.
That's another point.  Don't let your journey be influenced by others on a different path.
Kids and even I have said-  "Look, they are at church every time its open, being fake, but at school or on other days they are not what I think a Christian is".  You then stay away from church, and that will not get any results for your soul.
I have also been known to say "You don't have to go to church to be a Christian"  because I have trust issues and hate being touched or close to people, and no you don't but to grow and be accountable I think I do now.
Its your journey!
Its your choice!
Also,  don't think your not ready to be with experienced believers.
I am not a Bible scholar and in the past I have done Bible studies and tried to read through my Bible and it was like a foreign language to me.
I'm not just saying this because its what I have heard as when I heard it I was like "Really, why is it not that way for me".
I feel so led by something bigger than me when Studying now.  The words make sense (well most of the time lol).  I can see how this will work in my life if I follow the right path and MAKE REAL ADJUSTMENTS.  I know it wont happen overnight.  I know people will criticize me because they feel I was one way yesterday and now I am suddenly Poetic.  Sometimes honestly words are coming out when I am typing and I cant believe I knew that or wrote that.
Its truly amazing and all the fun WORLDY things will NEVER GIVE YOU THAT FEELING.

I hope this is not too jumbled.  Lately my mind is going 90 miles and hour and after studying I am mentally and physically exhausted.

God can work in ANYONE at ANYTIME and it will be a different response for everyone.

I unfortunately have a 17 year old, a 9 year old, and a 6 year old who have already been influenced by my selfishness and bad responses and decisions for all the years they have been on earth.
I pray seeing my transformation (that will take a while) will help them EXPERIENCE GOD SOONER!

Find a Church that fits you even if you have to visit 100.
That community is important I feel now that I found the one.
Go to events, play on their sports leagues, really get in there and see God working in everyday people and make a decision.
Dive in- You will never be Sinless.  God wants to mold you!

EB- update.    So was excited to go to church last night and wrap up week one studies but..... the girls were distracting as there is nothing in place for them ( but not a biggie if they could just sit still for any amount of time without arguing or making noise).  Then the DVD show was well presented by the author of the Experiencing God study,  his voice was pleasant and he seemed touched by his own study.  However,  when giving examples of how you "experience god". He started off good with business owners and doctors.  When they start becoming Christ centered their businesses and offices tend to sway with them.  Great.   Then his examples of "crisis of faith" and " making major adjustments" so that God may work through you were all mission based.  Y'all know I love me some missionary peeps!  But that's not a realistic calling for the masses and it's a great powerful example because the $$$$ involved in traveling to other countries and the sacrifice some make to go permanently.   It's seriously a big undertaking.  But I think making major adjustments could be something much smaller to many.   Could be that your wrapped up in the media by watching lustful or sinful shows,  not being good stewards of your money, being unfaithful to spouse, having sex out of marriage,  lying, gossiping,  being jealous,  etc... For many there are things we have a very hard time turning away from.  It's a a REAL ADJUSTMENT to start to give those things up so we may become more moldable to God.  He can't work though us if we are unwilling to change.  Change does not always mean leaving your family and home to go to another country or something so loud.  PRIDE could be something hard to turn away from.  The battle will look different to everyone and I wished he had really touched base on other examples but I'm holding steadfast to what I got from the 5 lessons and not getting discouraged.   Then "small groups" time came.   YIKES my worst fear.  Being with a group of basically strangers.  My spidery senses are my downfall.  I read people's faces, tones, and body language.  It's a curse to always be analyzing those around you.  Unfortunately most times my analysis is correct.   I however, stayed optimistic as small groups means I would be getting to know people in the church better.   Well,  in the hurried attempt to separate somehow it was 10 over 70++++ and one couple that possibly might have been 59 or so.   I wanted to run.  But I stayed thinking these are the experienced christians of the church. Yes, they were but they were not excited about this study.  Must sounded pessimistic and they didn't really feel touched by the lessons.  I couldn't believe the way I felt after doing 4 lessons and the way they seemed.  I did not give in to my flight anxiety and stayed but there was a huge generation gap for me.  I wished I could have been in a group with others excited about what God was doing through their studies.  If this is my permanent group for 11 more weeks I might die lol.  It's amazing how one person can feel so touched by the words and study and others are just like " just trying it out and I'll see if I like it".  I was like are you kidding guys???   I might have to get my preach on to these senior citizens lol.   Maybe God had a plan for putting me in a group where " should we sit during singing since we sing so long" was a big part of the discussion lol.
I just honestly think we get wrapped up with thinking going on a mission trip is the best example of following God and it discourages me as I see need in me, and everywhere around us.  I see people that could be reached for far less of a financial burden or sacrifice.  If you look at the numbers the amount of christians here that are not called to missions is much much greater the the ones that are.   I'm not sure God intends for us to all jump ship and leave our own neighbors, kids In Need, fellow broken christians,  our homeless and drug addicted, etc.  I feel there is so much to do here and I hope more feel called to work through him here. I may never leave the country but I think the states could sway more to him if we are considering ministering to our own neighborhoods and communities as a mission in itself.  These people understand us and there is no language barrier.  No need to scrape up thousands to travel.  Yes,  these people have had a chance to hear the word and may have just turned away from it.  Does that mean you say forget them.  I'm going where they haven't heard it so I can do more and accomplish more?  People here may have heard it but most likely were not ready, didn't understand it, or didn't hear what they needed at that time.  Your mission could be right here.  Your major adjustment could be to turn off the tv and other worldly distractions.  Sounds simple but try giving it up for a day or two and see what a major adjustment that could be.  Replace your music with some Christian rap or other sounds.   That change could be very hard and the impact could be so great.  I'm hoping the other small groups got more of what I did from the study in a more relevant way as I did so each week we can all grow and Experience God.

My babies are worth it!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Brieftons Spiralizer rocks

A Kitchen Tool you will love using.  We made awesome Curly fries.  They were not

as Curly as we expected but it was still better than a plain fry.  We used without

instructions as I misplaced them and it was still super easy  #brieftons

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Depressed Mom Confession

This will get sappy, and most of my friends (I have 2) know I hate sappy dramatic writing.
This will get ugly as I am most definitely unfiltered.
This will be in depth and honest describing a part of my life I am ashamed of due to how I
reacted and how my husband acted.
Click Follow to get notified as I complete. There will be photos, video clips, and very
personal texts to get the point across.
This blog is over 1.5 years in the making but I wasn't ready until now.  I feel I have
hit a break thru and hope my experiences and bad fortune can help someone else when
they are feeling dark and low.  I'm talking really wanting to no longer exist.  Yes, I was there.  I will leave you with one photo from my discovery that started this heartbreaking story.  A hidden phone in his truck, with the worst message I could possibly find.  They were supposed to be "Just Friends".
2015 Was an EXCITING YEAR for us.  We had been living on an acre and in a 2 bedroom trailer for about 14 years.  It was broke down and really not in liveable condition.  We had 5 of us crammed in there!

Doesn't that make you SICK?   
My first confession:  I have always had a bit of depression and ALOT of Anxiety.
My second confession:  I wasn't the model wife.
But I would have never done what he did. The hurt and down spin has been awful.

I had been finding messages that seemed possibly inappropriate over about 4 years.  Mostly since he got the smart phone and social media later.
He would always defend himself and make me feel super paranoid and call me crazy.
I wanted to believe him but there was always something there.  The hiding the phone, the sleeping on top of the phone.  Coming home late with no explanation, the many trips to grocery, etc.  
In my defense:  No, I am not oblivious.  He was a very shy guy and did honestly love to spend time in the woods hunting or just checking out his site.  When I would send him to grocery it was known he would be gone for 2 hours and come home with 1/2 the list.  Wandering around a store like you had no where to be was his specialty.  So I believed his stories most of the time.  In January of 2015 I found a text that pretty much could not be explained any other way.  He was meeting up with someone at the Subway in Walmart.  I had her name- I had her face- I had her number.
Moment of Shame:  I called her and said many not nice things  BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
I facebook messaged her with not so nice things BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
He seemed sorry, even cried I think.  Took the next day off work to go looking at Houses.
Within a month we were putting a HEFTY down payment down and a Huge Manufactured home (no don't you dare call it a trailer lol-  it costed a fortune).
But that did not fix things-  It was only a band aid.
There were still secrets.  I could tell something was wrong.  I still found weird communications with women that could be innocent but later I found out they most likely were not.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed as usual with the cost of the new home and a long upcoming stay with the inlaws.  They are wonderful people but I just don't like being in someone elses space and out of my comfort zone.
The new house is going to be a New start..... or so I thought.

My youngest was entering Kindergarten in August of 2015.  I was going to take a bit to adjust and get the house all settled but that is not what happened.  This was one I found in the old house a year before.  Of course he was just being "Friendly" and I had to take that or what?  I had no where to go and no proof.  No one would believe the shy Donald would initiate something like this.

Another message on Facebook to a Co-Worker

Her response is in Blue- so you can see he initiated the conversation.
This was actually after I caught him with firm evidence if I am not mistaken.  The last 2 years have been a blur.
My husband wasn't a texter and never texted me so of course all this random friendly conversation was bothersome.
Found some emails-  one was GROSS but these were more Postable but they still hurt the same.

 These were the mild ones.  Apparently while working his new great job he kept hearing all the "Travel Guys" tell of their hookup stories.  They convinced him it was so easy and I guess he had to try I really don't have an explanation still.  He hates to speak of it.  So the breaking point after many crying fits pleading with him to tell me what was going on and to show me his phone etc.... My son and a friend found something that broke us all to pieces....

Condems... Yes my son and his friend found a TON in the Hunting truck that was soon to be his.  Luckily I have a cool relationship with my son so he told me.  My husband and I have NEVER used them so I knew they weren't for us.  The worst part is my husband was going to let me punish my son because he swore they weren't his so I said that they knew we were having trouble so they planted them.  Finally he confessed to another use for them that I will spare you from as it was total bullshiz.
So this really got me in defense detective mode.  It was not pretty.  Lots of tears, tantrums, and naps.
This takes me back to the depression.  It really kicked me back 100 steps.  My kids had always been my reason for staying, for waking up, for being here, for getting out of bed, but it had gotten so much worse that I even questioned that.  It was DARK!  Very DARK.  I didn't want to go any where or talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary.  My anxiety was in full force and my poor children will always remember this as the year MOMMY WENT MAD!  I hated it and I hated him for it because I didn't want my children to feel they had to recover from their childhood but I am sure the things they heard and saw these past 2 years will do just that.

Hes a good dad, or for the most part he is.  He works hard, loves his kids, and is not too masculine to get down and play with his kids, read books with them, and let them snuggle with us for years.  But this was just so out of character. What I was about to find out was going to make me think I never really knew him......
It was August 2015.  He was working the midnight shift, leaving at 6pm and getting home around 8 or 9.  The leaving began getting earlier and the coming home was who knew.  Sometimes 10 or later.  One Sunday morning I had asked him to stop and get some stepping stones as our front yard was still a muddy mess and no one could get to the front door.  
Then something hit me, maybe God or some sort of wife intuition.  We have Go Phones through Att&T so maybe theres a record.  DUH!   Why oh why didn't I think of this before.
I log in, go to the calls and OH MY GOSH!  The numbers and the repeat numbers that were not mine or anyone I knew.  Took the most recent and most called and put it into facebook.
This is what I saw.....

And my face at that moment!

I showed my niece who knew of this woman.  She had been to her home.  This woman was married and her kids went to school with my son.  I got address.  My chest was pounding and I was at my worst point.  This was not happening to me was it?
I called my husband who was supposed to be at Lowes.  Little did I know he was.  He denied and called me crazy but there was panic in his voice.
I took my niece to this woman's home.  It was hard for me but I had to get the story NOW!  Her son answered the door and said his mom was not home but dad was asleep.  I kindly asked him to wake him up.  The husband was calm and I thought it odd.  I told him that my husband and his wife had been talking very frequently at all times.  He said "my wife has lots of men friends", and he seem totally unfazed.  He then offered to tell her I came by when she got home.
I was so puzzled I sat in the car for a minute.  Then low and behold a van pulled up.  A trashy white fat lady SMOKING got out.  She pretended to know nothing.  How do you confront someone like this?  I mentioned that I knew they were "friends" and talking alot and texting alot and that it was not good for our marriage.  She kindly told me she was very happy with her husband and that she was not boinking mine.  She promised on the Bible and all kinds of stuff.  The conversation went wayward and got crazy.  She admitted to letting kids drink at her home as its safer then them doing it somewhere else.  Not just her own kids, but other peoples kids.  Of course she later denied.  She also thought we would somehow be friends.  It was so weird and blew my mind.
I left.   Came home and called a friend to come now, and she did.  He was caught but he still was not giving me the truth.  He pretended to not be more then friends with her and had done no more than talk to the other ladies.
What was happening to my family?
We made these beautiful children together and now all our lives were going to be upside down.  How would I ever go on another day?  Getting out of bed would be so hard and getting any sleep was impossible for months.

The next week and more was the worst, darkest, depression I have ever experienced.  I am unfiltered and I was not good at pretending mommy is OK.  My kids knew I was ill and that it was bad.  
He refused to leave.  But I wasn't sure I wanted him to either.  Maybe it didn't go further then he said.  Maybe I'm just paranoid like he said.  But that was not the case.  This woman texted me alot and seem to think we would be friends.  She said over and over that nothing was going on.  There were phone calls and alot of crap going on.  

I told her don't contact him.  Then she texted me this- " Please let Donald know they just took jason back for surgery... I didn't text his phone... I will let y'all know how he is when he comes out if that is OK... Thank you"

This blew my mind. Really? This was important?
She sent me this on September 3, 2015
"I have tried to be very nice and friendly... I read what you are saying... I have never hid anything... I'm not making him my secret friend... My husband was very aware I talked to Donald.. As I was aware he talked to him also... I promise that we are nothing but friends.. Me and my husband... I have made that very clear... I really wish you would understand that... I didn't keep anything from you... I don't even know you... You can't blame me for that.... Now.. I wouldnt be trying to talk to you if I did something wrong... I made it very clear I'm very happily married.. My husband loves me very much and I love him... There is no cheating in our marriage... Me and Donald are just friends.. Jason and Donald are just friends.. I wish you would stop treating me like I'm an enemy"
But a day or so later someone or something told me to get in his truck console.
I had not been able to get it opened but I had to try again and sometimes I wish I had not.

 I fell to the ground and I'm sure neighbors could hear me.  The pain was unbearable. I did not want to live.  I had no one.  He was it.  Why would he do this and why would he lie and lie and and make me think I was crazy all this time.  He had the balls to say "I'm so relieved that you finally know all of it"  but why could he not just stop and end it the first confrontation?  Why was I not worth that?  He was overly nice and lovey dovey and at first it made me sick.  However, the attention was nice as he hadn't even let me sit next to him for years.  I felt hideous and though he was ashamed of me because I was fat but he was hooking up with ugly fat ladies so what the heck dude!?!?!?!
I of course called her and said some not so nice things.  I still think bad things towards her.  I cant help it right now.
That's very personal I know but it was my first response.  But her reaction is the worst.  She felt she had nothing in this.  Later she said she loved him.  She wanted Donald and I to come to her house with her and her husband to talk.  NOT HAPPENING CRAZY LADY.   I still don't get how her husband was OK with all this and I still don't forgive my husband for the lies.  The LIES were the worst.  They made me feel crazy and paranoid.  As this was happening I got Hives.  It was severe and it lasted a very long time and no doctor could help.  Increasing my anxiety meds x 4 did not help.  Nothing helped.  I took tons of sleeping pills as I could get no rest.  The words and messages haunted me.  I loved him.  I wanted it to work but I didn't know where to turn.  I did alot of blog reading and searching the Internet for other women's experiences.  Most did not stay with the cheater and that discouraged me.  I had no job, and we just had a new home and I did not want to take that from my kids.  I knew in the state I was in there was not way I could support my kids but losing them would for sure kill me.  So I stayed.  I had no where to go.
My son was also having some teen angst and was experimenting with what his school had to offer.  Mostly weed and oregano and his grades weren't good as he just did not turn his work in.  It was a living Hell in our home.  But I have to give my son props as when I could not get out of bed and function he read to his sisters, he cooked for his sisters, and he put them to bed.  He has been through alot these past 2 years and I could not have gotten through without him.  Unfortunately my depression will def. be something he will remember and I hate that.
This deep info would have been refreshing for me honestly and that is why I am sharing. I did get great supportive messages on facebook. MANY MANY women had went through similar it seemed but they weren't sharing with Facebook as I had. I don't understand why I should hide. I did nothing wrong.
Now, of course these women whom I confronted would say in their messages "well, if you had satisfied him he wouldn't have come to me" and that was RIDICULOUS and so Cliche'. TMI time but we had regular sex and my libido was way higher than his and always has been.
I also knew my husband had a 1 day maximum. I know thats alot to hear so I made sure it was used on me and that made me feel like he would no longer be going out to get it elsewhere.
It also made me sick afterward and I felt so dirty. It was a lose lose for me it seemed.
He was so nice for a bit- it made me want to reciprocate and I tried but as soon as I had a bad moment he would throw it back in my face that "You should be over it already" and "how long are you going to blame me" and this one was big and still is "Whats wrong with you now?"
He called me every night from work. When 11:45 came he called from his breakroom. He texted before he went into work everday too. The texts were so sappy and not like him but it was nice to see him try.
The try faded. He so wanted to forget and I was not allowed to ask questions. So I suffered in silence. The Hives and inflamation made me claw myself to pieces. I looked like a meth user but I don't use drugs or drink alcohol even though these times made me seriously consider.

 The spots I am left with Forever to remember
 My skin burned and Itched all the time.  It was so inflamed.  I spent hundreds on doctor visits.

My Broken Heart.  Kidding I had to get a stress test.

 My face from the itching and picking

My hair was coming out in clumps and I didn't even want to wash it

So where to from here?   Well I kept digging and found that he had picked up all these ladies on CraigsList and Plenty of  Really?  People meet up with people and just hook up like that?
I would feel like such a HO BAG!
I really didn't know where my future was.  I cant believe I made it this far and as I look back at memories with my kids I am amazed and I pray that they can remember those times over the dark ones behind closed doors.  My girls had to drop out of activities as I could only do so much.  I could only take so much socially and I had to save it for the most important times.  It was the worst feeling and I felt selfish.  Here I am worried about my marriage while I was destroying my kids childhood.  There were times I thought maybe it happened for a reason, you know to wake us up and make our marriage what it was supposed to be.  How do I forget though?  Why does he get to get by with the horrible wrong he did?  Do you know what the Bible says about adultery?
Its not good.
Are we just Doomed?
Where was God anyways?  My life has always seemed to be a wreck so why throw this curve ball?
I still am not sure of that.
We are still together ladies.  There is some hope.  But our Marriage is extremely rocky.

I'm getting to the good part I promise.
I wasn't sure if I even believed in God anymore.  I felt so alone.  Many nights I really wanted to die and I took many many sleeping pills and still woke up angry.
Every day was so hard and took so much effort.  It still does most days.
Recently my one of 2 friends left the country.
She was the last person on this earth who knew my past and knew me.  The real me and was there when all my kids were born.  I was sure her husband and me and my husband would spend our retirement together.   NOPE!  They got called by this God to serve in Guatemala.  This was hard news.  I really was going to be all alone.   Why didn't God talk to me?  We spend every moment we could the last 7 months before they left having awesome family time.  No other people got me like they did.  They accepted me and loved me even when I was a bit inappropriate.  We could disagree and have real conversations and no love was lost at the end.  They were truly God loving people and I looked up to them for that.  I depended on them to encourage me.   In January they were gone.
I have SEVERE Anxiety people.  Its not made up and its not in my head.  It cripples me.  I don't like strange people touching me or shaking my hand.  I don't like sitting next to strangers or close to people.  I don't like feeling trapped.  This made church very hard for me.
I refused to go to my husbands family church.  There was just something that made me not feel welcome there.  I tried very hard but had no connection and neither did my son.  The girls of course would go anywhere.
My husband went to that church all his life and had no connections so I just was not giving in.  Plus I hate Old Old Southern Gospel bluegrass type music.  EWWWW
We had been visiting a few and had been a member of one but it just was TOO big and we did not feel close to anyone.
I didn't want to be a pew warmer.  I like to dive in and meet people when my anxiety lets me.  If I get good vibes from people I can, but I am very sensitive to peoples body language and reactions and that can throw me off.  Its a curse.  I wish I could be oblivious to fake hellos and how are yous but I'm not.
I had one other friend in this world.  She was a new one but it seemed we had been friends forever.
They had a church and we visited several times.  I attended their Fall Festivals and other community events and always felt welcome where other places that was not the case.
Now I know this sweet Gross Family most likely was praying for me as they left.
Maybe others did but something happened.
I had been trying to go to church but its always chaos in my home for some reason on Sunday mornings.  Maybe its Satin and I cave.
Maybe it is not.
The first Sunday after my friends left for Mission lives in another country I woke up and said "I'm going to church".  I had no alarm set, and I really tried to fight it as I knew the kids would not get ready easily.
Well, we made it.  I actually felt good at church that morning and was eager to go again next Sunday.
On the next Sunday I once again did not set my alarm yet I woke up in plenty of time to get ready.  I even tried to lay back down but could not fight the urge to get up.
The message that Sunday was perfect.  It was what I needed to here and I actually got weepy (but I hid it) a few times.
You know that feeling you get?  I hope you do.  Maybe that is how God talks to us.  Maybe I was just not listening.  Maybe now I am ready.
Two more Sundays we got up and went.  WOOHOO!  Wow.
We even attended a new member info night.  Everything seems to be coming together.  My 17 year old son is actually going with no fights.  We have no clothes or shoes that look churchy but its not holding us back this time.  I want to go.
I feel something happening.  I am still down, I am on an IMPOSSIBLE DIET with no COKE for 12 days so far, and I am extremely emotional.  Somehow I get through each day and suddenly the person I am thanking is God.
There is one Black Dot in the way.  My husband.  He doesn't exactly like the church, he prefers a fire and brimstone preacher?  He liked the music at his old church, and he likes just sitting in a pew.
He doesn't like that this church is part of the Southern Baptist Convention as his other was independent baptist.  Blah Blah.  He seems to be the thing in my way and I wish I could tell you its all good in my family but its not.
I love him, but I want to see where this relationship with God takes me now.  If he cant hop on board I just don't know what to tell him.
I know I have no family to fall back on, I cant make a house payment, I am now stuck home schooling my 17 year old and have an outrageous drop off pick up schedule that I could not do and work, and more.  I don't want to have to live in crappy apartments and take my kids home away.  I want them to have what we promised we would give them.
Do I still feel depressed?  Yes, there are times but mostly when my husband irritates me.  I still have a hard time sleeping.  They still don't know whats happening with the inflammation and other symptoms.  
My 6 year old also has some symptoms during this that have yet to be diagnosed and that was another part of our rocky year. 
Do I still think I don't want to be here anymore? Yes there are days but its a shorter darkness than it has been.  I am able to snap out of it better with the I Love You's from my babies and hugs and kisses they so continuously give.  The unconditional love of a child is the greatest thing on earth for me.  I just feel so much guilt that I made them use it so much these past 2 years.  I hope I can make it up to them.  
There is light at the end of the tunnel even if its not what you wanted or expected.  It gets dark but I pray you have someone or something that can snap you out even if just for a moment to save you because 
IT WILL PASS!  If it passed me it can you.  Don't let one circumstance in your life even if you think it will kill you take your joy!
If you are a Christian- Re-Find GOD- he is there.  We just have to be ready and listen.
Thank you to all those that have prayed for me and I now ask you pray for my family.  I want my children to have this peace.  
I hope that I can say soon "God led me to this"  I want to find my purpose and live for him.
Hopefully this will give me peace.
 I hope that my walk shows my kids God can do great things.
 I hope God can fix our marriage if its what is supposed to be.
I hope this was not too cheesy for you guys but I will update you on the rest of my journey soon.
I am reading and trying to learn from the Bible's words as before I could not understand and I am hoping to find something in those words now.
I will still be me, Crazy, unfiltered, EB.  Just dash a Little Jesus on me now.  I will leave you with this quote " You knew I was crazy before you married me and then you thought cheating was going to help my crazy?"   Boy was he wrong lol!