Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Depressed Mom Confession

This will get sappy, and most of my friends (I have 2) know I hate sappy dramatic writing.
This will get ugly as I am most definitely unfiltered.
This will be in depth and honest describing a part of my life I am ashamed of due to how I
reacted and how my husband acted.
Click Follow to get notified as I complete. There will be photos, video clips, and very
personal texts to get the point across.
This blog is over 1.5 years in the making but I wasn't ready until now.  I feel I have
hit a break thru and hope my experiences and bad fortune can help someone else when
they are feeling dark and low.  I'm talking really wanting to no longer exist.  Yes, I was there.  I will leave you with one photo from my discovery that started this heartbreaking story.  A hidden phone in his truck, with the worst message I could possibly find.  They were supposed to be "Just Friends".
2015 Was an EXCITING YEAR for us.  We had been living on an acre and in a 2 bedroom trailer for about 14 years.  It was broke down and really not in liveable condition.  We had 5 of us crammed in there!

Doesn't that make you SICK?   
My first confession:  I have always had a bit of depression and ALOT of Anxiety.
My second confession:  I wasn't the model wife.
But I would have never done what he did. The hurt and down spin has been awful.

I had been finding messages that seemed possibly inappropriate over about 4 years.  Mostly since he got the smart phone and social media later.
He would always defend himself and make me feel super paranoid and call me crazy.
I wanted to believe him but there was always something there.  The hiding the phone, the sleeping on top of the phone.  Coming home late with no explanation, the many trips to grocery, etc.  
In my defense:  No, I am not oblivious.  He was a very shy guy and did honestly love to spend time in the woods hunting or just checking out his site.  When I would send him to grocery it was known he would be gone for 2 hours and come home with 1/2 the list.  Wandering around a store like you had no where to be was his specialty.  So I believed his stories most of the time.  In January of 2015 I found a text that pretty much could not be explained any other way.  He was meeting up with someone at the Subway in Walmart.  I had her name- I had her face- I had her number.
Moment of Shame:  I called her and said many not nice things  BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
I facebook messaged her with not so nice things BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
He seemed sorry, even cried I think.  Took the next day off work to go looking at Houses.
Within a month we were putting a HEFTY down payment down and a Huge Manufactured home (no don't you dare call it a trailer lol-  it costed a fortune).
But that did not fix things-  It was only a band aid.
There were still secrets.  I could tell something was wrong.  I still found weird communications with women that could be innocent but later I found out they most likely were not.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed as usual with the cost of the new home and a long upcoming stay with the inlaws.  They are wonderful people but I just don't like being in someone elses space and out of my comfort zone.
The new house is going to be a New start..... or so I thought.

My youngest was entering Kindergarten in August of 2015.  I was going to take a bit to adjust and get the house all settled but that is not what happened.  This was one I found in the old house a year before.  Of course he was just being "Friendly" and I had to take that or what?  I had no where to go and no proof.  No one would believe the shy Donald would initiate something like this.

Another message on Facebook to a Co-Worker

Her response is in Blue- so you can see he initiated the conversation.
This was actually after I caught him with firm evidence if I am not mistaken.  The last 2 years have been a blur.
My husband wasn't a texter and never texted me so of course all this random friendly conversation was bothersome.
Found some emails-  one was GROSS but these were more Postable but they still hurt the same.

 These were the mild ones.  Apparently while working his new great job he kept hearing all the "Travel Guys" tell of their hookup stories.  They convinced him it was so easy and I guess he had to try I really don't have an explanation still.  He hates to speak of it.  So the breaking point after many crying fits pleading with him to tell me what was going on and to show me his phone etc.... My son and a friend found something that broke us all to pieces....

Condems... Yes my son and his friend found a TON in the Hunting truck that was soon to be his.  Luckily I have a cool relationship with my son so he told me.  My husband and I have NEVER used them so I knew they weren't for us.  The worst part is my husband was going to let me punish my son because he swore they weren't his so I said that they knew we were having trouble so they planted them.  Finally he confessed to another use for them that I will spare you from as it was total bullshiz.
So this really got me in defense detective mode.  It was not pretty.  Lots of tears, tantrums, and naps.
This takes me back to the depression.  It really kicked me back 100 steps.  My kids had always been my reason for staying, for waking up, for being here, for getting out of bed, but it had gotten so much worse that I even questioned that.  It was DARK!  Very DARK.  I didn't want to go any where or talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary.  My anxiety was in full force and my poor children will always remember this as the year MOMMY WENT MAD!  I hated it and I hated him for it because I didn't want my children to feel they had to recover from their childhood but I am sure the things they heard and saw these past 2 years will do just that.

Hes a good dad, or for the most part he is.  He works hard, loves his kids, and is not too masculine to get down and play with his kids, read books with them, and let them snuggle with us for years.  But this was just so out of character. What I was about to find out was going to make me think I never really knew him......
It was August 2015.  He was working the midnight shift, leaving at 6pm and getting home around 8 or 9.  The leaving began getting earlier and the coming home was who knew.  Sometimes 10 or later.  One Sunday morning I had asked him to stop and get some stepping stones as our front yard was still a muddy mess and no one could get to the front door.  
Then something hit me, maybe God or some sort of wife intuition.  We have Go Phones through Att&T so maybe theres a record.  DUH!   Why oh why didn't I think of this before.
I log in, go to the calls and OH MY GOSH!  The numbers and the repeat numbers that were not mine or anyone I knew.  Took the most recent and most called and put it into facebook.
This is what I saw.....

And my face at that moment!

I showed my niece who knew of this woman.  She had been to her home.  This woman was married and her kids went to school with my son.  I got address.  My chest was pounding and I was at my worst point.  This was not happening to me was it?
I called my husband who was supposed to be at Lowes.  Little did I know he was.  He denied and called me crazy but there was panic in his voice.
I took my niece to this woman's home.  It was hard for me but I had to get the story NOW!  Her son answered the door and said his mom was not home but dad was asleep.  I kindly asked him to wake him up.  The husband was calm and I thought it odd.  I told him that my husband and his wife had been talking very frequently at all times.  He said "my wife has lots of men friends", and he seem totally unfazed.  He then offered to tell her I came by when she got home.
I was so puzzled I sat in the car for a minute.  Then low and behold a van pulled up.  A trashy white fat lady SMOKING got out.  She pretended to know nothing.  How do you confront someone like this?  I mentioned that I knew they were "friends" and talking alot and texting alot and that it was not good for our marriage.  She kindly told me she was very happy with her husband and that she was not boinking mine.  She promised on the Bible and all kinds of stuff.  The conversation went wayward and got crazy.  She admitted to letting kids drink at her home as its safer then them doing it somewhere else.  Not just her own kids, but other peoples kids.  Of course she later denied.  She also thought we would somehow be friends.  It was so weird and blew my mind.
I left.   Came home and called a friend to come now, and she did.  He was caught but he still was not giving me the truth.  He pretended to not be more then friends with her and had done no more than talk to the other ladies.
What was happening to my family?
We made these beautiful children together and now all our lives were going to be upside down.  How would I ever go on another day?  Getting out of bed would be so hard and getting any sleep was impossible for months.

The next week and more was the worst, darkest, depression I have ever experienced.  I am unfiltered and I was not good at pretending mommy is OK.  My kids knew I was ill and that it was bad.  
He refused to leave.  But I wasn't sure I wanted him to either.  Maybe it didn't go further then he said.  Maybe I'm just paranoid like he said.  But that was not the case.  This woman texted me alot and seem to think we would be friends.  She said over and over that nothing was going on.  There were phone calls and alot of crap going on.  

I told her don't contact him.  Then she texted me this- " Please let Donald know they just took jason back for surgery... I didn't text his phone... I will let y'all know how he is when he comes out if that is OK... Thank you"

This blew my mind. Really? This was important?
She sent me this on September 3, 2015
"I have tried to be very nice and friendly... I read what you are saying... I have never hid anything... I'm not making him my secret friend... My husband was very aware I talked to Donald.. As I was aware he talked to him also... I promise that we are nothing but friends.. Me and my husband... I have made that very clear... I really wish you would understand that... I didn't keep anything from you... I don't even know you... You can't blame me for that.... Now.. I wouldnt be trying to talk to you if I did something wrong... I made it very clear I'm very happily married.. My husband loves me very much and I love him... There is no cheating in our marriage... Me and Donald are just friends.. Jason and Donald are just friends.. I wish you would stop treating me like I'm an enemy"
But a day or so later someone or something told me to get in his truck console.
I had not been able to get it opened but I had to try again and sometimes I wish I had not.

 I fell to the ground and I'm sure neighbors could hear me.  The pain was unbearable. I did not want to live.  I had no one.  He was it.  Why would he do this and why would he lie and lie and and make me think I was crazy all this time.  He had the balls to say "I'm so relieved that you finally know all of it"  but why could he not just stop and end it the first confrontation?  Why was I not worth that?  He was overly nice and lovey dovey and at first it made me sick.  However, the attention was nice as he hadn't even let me sit next to him for years.  I felt hideous and though he was ashamed of me because I was fat but he was hooking up with ugly fat ladies so what the heck dude!?!?!?!
I of course called her and said some not so nice things.  I still think bad things towards her.  I cant help it right now.
That's very personal I know but it was my first response.  But her reaction is the worst.  She felt she had nothing in this.  Later she said she loved him.  She wanted Donald and I to come to her house with her and her husband to talk.  NOT HAPPENING CRAZY LADY.   I still don't get how her husband was OK with all this and I still don't forgive my husband for the lies.  The LIES were the worst.  They made me feel crazy and paranoid.  As this was happening I got Hives.  It was severe and it lasted a very long time and no doctor could help.  Increasing my anxiety meds x 4 did not help.  Nothing helped.  I took tons of sleeping pills as I could get no rest.  The words and messages haunted me.  I loved him.  I wanted it to work but I didn't know where to turn.  I did alot of blog reading and searching the Internet for other women's experiences.  Most did not stay with the cheater and that discouraged me.  I had no job, and we just had a new home and I did not want to take that from my kids.  I knew in the state I was in there was not way I could support my kids but losing them would for sure kill me.  So I stayed.  I had no where to go.
My son was also having some teen angst and was experimenting with what his school had to offer.  Mostly weed and oregano and his grades weren't good as he just did not turn his work in.  It was a living Hell in our home.  But I have to give my son props as when I could not get out of bed and function he read to his sisters, he cooked for his sisters, and he put them to bed.  He has been through alot these past 2 years and I could not have gotten through without him.  Unfortunately my depression will def. be something he will remember and I hate that.
This deep info would have been refreshing for me honestly and that is why I am sharing. I did get great supportive messages on facebook. MANY MANY women had went through similar it seemed but they weren't sharing with Facebook as I had. I don't understand why I should hide. I did nothing wrong.
Now, of course these women whom I confronted would say in their messages "well, if you had satisfied him he wouldn't have come to me" and that was RIDICULOUS and so Cliche'. TMI time but we had regular sex and my libido was way higher than his and always has been.
I also knew my husband had a 1 day maximum. I know thats alot to hear so I made sure it was used on me and that made me feel like he would no longer be going out to get it elsewhere.
It also made me sick afterward and I felt so dirty. It was a lose lose for me it seemed.
He was so nice for a bit- it made me want to reciprocate and I tried but as soon as I had a bad moment he would throw it back in my face that "You should be over it already" and "how long are you going to blame me" and this one was big and still is "Whats wrong with you now?"
He called me every night from work. When 11:45 came he called from his breakroom. He texted before he went into work everday too. The texts were so sappy and not like him but it was nice to see him try.
The try faded. He so wanted to forget and I was not allowed to ask questions. So I suffered in silence. The Hives and inflamation made me claw myself to pieces. I looked like a meth user but I don't use drugs or drink alcohol even though these times made me seriously consider.

 The spots I am left with Forever to remember
 My skin burned and Itched all the time.  It was so inflamed.  I spent hundreds on doctor visits.

My Broken Heart.  Kidding I had to get a stress test.

 My face from the itching and picking

My hair was coming out in clumps and I didn't even want to wash it

So where to from here?   Well I kept digging and found that he had picked up all these ladies on CraigsList and Plenty of  Really?  People meet up with people and just hook up like that?
I would feel like such a HO BAG!
I really didn't know where my future was.  I cant believe I made it this far and as I look back at memories with my kids I am amazed and I pray that they can remember those times over the dark ones behind closed doors.  My girls had to drop out of activities as I could only do so much.  I could only take so much socially and I had to save it for the most important times.  It was the worst feeling and I felt selfish.  Here I am worried about my marriage while I was destroying my kids childhood.  There were times I thought maybe it happened for a reason, you know to wake us up and make our marriage what it was supposed to be.  How do I forget though?  Why does he get to get by with the horrible wrong he did?  Do you know what the Bible says about adultery?
Its not good.
Are we just Doomed?
Where was God anyways?  My life has always seemed to be a wreck so why throw this curve ball?
I still am not sure of that.
We are still together ladies.  There is some hope.  But our Marriage is extremely rocky.

I'm getting to the good part I promise.
I wasn't sure if I even believed in God anymore.  I felt so alone.  Many nights I really wanted to die and I took many many sleeping pills and still woke up angry.
Every day was so hard and took so much effort.  It still does most days.
Recently my one of 2 friends left the country.
She was the last person on this earth who knew my past and knew me.  The real me and was there when all my kids were born.  I was sure her husband and me and my husband would spend our retirement together.   NOPE!  They got called by this God to serve in Guatemala.  This was hard news.  I really was going to be all alone.   Why didn't God talk to me?  We spend every moment we could the last 7 months before they left having awesome family time.  No other people got me like they did.  They accepted me and loved me even when I was a bit inappropriate.  We could disagree and have real conversations and no love was lost at the end.  They were truly God loving people and I looked up to them for that.  I depended on them to encourage me.   In January they were gone.
I have SEVERE Anxiety people.  Its not made up and its not in my head.  It cripples me.  I don't like strange people touching me or shaking my hand.  I don't like sitting next to strangers or close to people.  I don't like feeling trapped.  This made church very hard for me.
I refused to go to my husbands family church.  There was just something that made me not feel welcome there.  I tried very hard but had no connection and neither did my son.  The girls of course would go anywhere.
My husband went to that church all his life and had no connections so I just was not giving in.  Plus I hate Old Old Southern Gospel bluegrass type music.  EWWWW
We had been visiting a few and had been a member of one but it just was TOO big and we did not feel close to anyone.
I didn't want to be a pew warmer.  I like to dive in and meet people when my anxiety lets me.  If I get good vibes from people I can, but I am very sensitive to peoples body language and reactions and that can throw me off.  Its a curse.  I wish I could be oblivious to fake hellos and how are yous but I'm not.
I had one other friend in this world.  She was a new one but it seemed we had been friends forever.
They had a church and we visited several times.  I attended their Fall Festivals and other community events and always felt welcome where other places that was not the case.
Now I know this sweet Gross Family most likely was praying for me as they left.
Maybe others did but something happened.
I had been trying to go to church but its always chaos in my home for some reason on Sunday mornings.  Maybe its Satin and I cave.
Maybe it is not.
The first Sunday after my friends left for Mission lives in another country I woke up and said "I'm going to church".  I had no alarm set, and I really tried to fight it as I knew the kids would not get ready easily.
Well, we made it.  I actually felt good at church that morning and was eager to go again next Sunday.
On the next Sunday I once again did not set my alarm yet I woke up in plenty of time to get ready.  I even tried to lay back down but could not fight the urge to get up.
The message that Sunday was perfect.  It was what I needed to here and I actually got weepy (but I hid it) a few times.
You know that feeling you get?  I hope you do.  Maybe that is how God talks to us.  Maybe I was just not listening.  Maybe now I am ready.
Two more Sundays we got up and went.  WOOHOO!  Wow.
We even attended a new member info night.  Everything seems to be coming together.  My 17 year old son is actually going with no fights.  We have no clothes or shoes that look churchy but its not holding us back this time.  I want to go.
I feel something happening.  I am still down, I am on an IMPOSSIBLE DIET with no COKE for 12 days so far, and I am extremely emotional.  Somehow I get through each day and suddenly the person I am thanking is God.
There is one Black Dot in the way.  My husband.  He doesn't exactly like the church, he prefers a fire and brimstone preacher?  He liked the music at his old church, and he likes just sitting in a pew.
He doesn't like that this church is part of the Southern Baptist Convention as his other was independent baptist.  Blah Blah.  He seems to be the thing in my way and I wish I could tell you its all good in my family but its not.
I love him, but I want to see where this relationship with God takes me now.  If he cant hop on board I just don't know what to tell him.
I know I have no family to fall back on, I cant make a house payment, I am now stuck home schooling my 17 year old and have an outrageous drop off pick up schedule that I could not do and work, and more.  I don't want to have to live in crappy apartments and take my kids home away.  I want them to have what we promised we would give them.
Do I still feel depressed?  Yes, there are times but mostly when my husband irritates me.  I still have a hard time sleeping.  They still don't know whats happening with the inflammation and other symptoms.  
My 6 year old also has some symptoms during this that have yet to be diagnosed and that was another part of our rocky year. 
Do I still think I don't want to be here anymore? Yes there are days but its a shorter darkness than it has been.  I am able to snap out of it better with the I Love You's from my babies and hugs and kisses they so continuously give.  The unconditional love of a child is the greatest thing on earth for me.  I just feel so much guilt that I made them use it so much these past 2 years.  I hope I can make it up to them.  
There is light at the end of the tunnel even if its not what you wanted or expected.  It gets dark but I pray you have someone or something that can snap you out even if just for a moment to save you because 
IT WILL PASS!  If it passed me it can you.  Don't let one circumstance in your life even if you think it will kill you take your joy!
If you are a Christian- Re-Find GOD- he is there.  We just have to be ready and listen.
Thank you to all those that have prayed for me and I now ask you pray for my family.  I want my children to have this peace.  
I hope that I can say soon "God led me to this"  I want to find my purpose and live for him.
Hopefully this will give me peace.
 I hope that my walk shows my kids God can do great things.
 I hope God can fix our marriage if its what is supposed to be.
I hope this was not too cheesy for you guys but I will update you on the rest of my journey soon.
I am reading and trying to learn from the Bible's words as before I could not understand and I am hoping to find something in those words now.
I will still be me, Crazy, unfiltered, EB.  Just dash a Little Jesus on me now.  I will leave you with this quote " You knew I was crazy before you married me and then you thought cheating was going to help my crazy?"   Boy was he wrong lol!